yo how did u survive the holidays. got a a new years resolution?

I survived pretty well, actually. Ever since recovery, holidays freak me out a lot less. Of course, there was some anxiety after I put on a pound or two, but I survived. And I have several resolutions. Get good grades, lose a little weight, publish some books...etc.

Ask me anything

Psycho-social effects on young girls from the influence of “pro-ana” sites

Psycho-social effects on young girls from the influence of “pro-ana” sites

In the world today, anorexia is not only a disease. “Pro Ana” websites make it into a cult-like experience, with “Ana” a shortened name for Anorexia, as the deity. While there has been some effort to close down these websites, more just keep popping up. This report is to discover what psychological and social influences these websites have.

Pro Ana communities pop up in many forms: Blogs, individual websites, and social networking communities. Websites such as Facebook have hundreds of pro Ana girls, who all friend each other and are found by their names, typically including the words “pro Ana”, “thin”, or “perfection”. Free websites, which are recognized by the host name in the address, (www.pro-ana.website-host.com) are typically shut down if there are enough complaints from community members. However, Individual websites, where the owner pays for the domain name, are free to stay up.

Most Pro-Ana girls will argue that these communities offer them support, so they don’t feel so alone. These communities, to them are a safe haven where no one is “Attacking or trying to change” them.  In a recent article, one woman states “Sometimes the support can be harmful, but more often than not, it can also be beneficial. This particular site, like many I’ve seen, also includes a forum for those seeking recovery. And in disorder-specific forums, members often post on the negative aspects and dangers of the disease, with others posting words of encouragement or understanding.”[1]

However, such websites also offer a platform for “wannarexics,” or, people who want an eating disorder but don’t have one naturally. Wannarexics are very widely frowned upon and receive many comments of disdain from those with “real” eating disorders.

But what are the psychological effects that these websites have? The cult-like experience, along with personifying “Ana” not only gives the disordered person a reason to believe they are not sick, but excuses them from responsibility for disordered thoughts. By turning the disordered thoughts into “messages from Ana”, the affected young woman can argue that nothing is wrong, that this is a lifestyle, that her ‘religion’ is her business. There are three common things found on pro ana sites: a letter from Ana, Ana’s creed, and the ‘thin commandments’.

The letter from Ana introduces Ana as a friend who believes in tough love. She only wants for you to be perfect, and she will do anything for you to make that happen. She is your life coach. The letter, which I will print out and have available should you ask, emphasizes the point of secrecy, and of straying away from your friends and family. It warns that nothing will ever be good enough, and you will never be thin enough. Ana’s parting words are “You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, and forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.”

Ana’s creed is a seemingly less intense piece of writing. It is the sum of promises that you should keep as a faithful follower of the Great Goddess Ana. The text includes statements such as “I believe in perfection and strive to attain it. I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday. I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly. I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures.” While this does give some insight as to what an eating disordered person thinks like, it gives ammo for those infamous wannarexics who don’t know what they’re getting into.

Finally, the thin commandments include “If you aren’t thin you aren’t attractive” and “Being thin is more important than being healthy.” These phrases have a way of playing themselves on repeat in the disordered mind, pushing the victim further past the point of no return.

We explored the good and bad sides of pro-Ana websites, and found several interesting things. Socially, Pro Ana sites provide a sanctuary of support for those who have pulled away from their real life friends and family, while at the same time excusing the behavior and encouraging it. Psychologically, however, Pro-Ana sites understate the horrific aspects of the disease, and create a glamorous religion, or cult, surrounding starvation.

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[1] http://the-f-word.org/blog/index.php/2007/12/07/a-case-for-pro-anamia-sites/

Eating Disorders as they pertain to Past Lives and the Unconscious Mind

It can be argued that bulimia starts in the Id. You have the Id’s desire for physical gratification, while the fragile and weak ego can only control the Id for so long. This may be a result of overly controlling parents. The fault of the ego leads to an uncontrollable desire to eat. As a result, the Superego punishes the ego for not controlling the Id by bringing up feelings of guilt and anxiety, which lead to purging behaviors. The realease of endorphins magnify the reduction of guilt and anxiety the person feels after eating.

In the 1940s to 1950s Refusal to eat was seen as a symbolic expression of unconscious conflicts, such as “fear of oral impregnation.”

Defense mechanisms, i.e eating disorders, almost always originate in the unconscious. It is a psychological adjustment that our unconscious makes to help with life.

The content of the unconscious mind always impacts on the conscious mind and the way that we keep the conscious mind separate from the unconscious is to create a barrier.

Early drive-conflict theories of anorexia nervosa and bulimia regarded self-starvation as a defense against a variety of conflicts. These included sexual fantasies or oral impregnation fears (Moulton, 1942; Rowland, 1970), a reaction formation against oral incorporative wishes (Masserman, 1941) and a defense against ambivalent oral sadistic and cannibalistic fantasies (Blitzer, Rollins, and Blackwell, 1961). The bulimic's binge eating and vomiting was viewed as an expression of rage
toward the ambivalently held maternal object (Benedek, 1936; Guiora,
1967).

Dr. Sharon Klayman Farber has much to say about the ego, a little about the superego, and nothing about the Id pertaining to eating disorders. I would go more in-depth, but honestly her articles are so dry I can’t focus on them.

The client entered therapy to address the issues of a severe eating disorder that had reached a life-threatening stage.  As the transition to a sensory experience is complete, the dynamics begin as this case history of a woman I'll call Ana.

C: I see a brick wall in front of me. I'm afraid to leave it, afraid to step forward, afraid I'll die if they see me.  I feel sick in my stomach and I have intense pain in my head.  Many people are moaning and walking aimlessly with blank, empty expressions on their faces. They are thin. Oh, God, they are starving!"

TH: "Look at the starving people, Ana. See yourself among them. Sense your connection with them."

(I encourage her more deeply into this unconscious reality. She frowns as she makes the connection between the appearance of the starving people and her current life condition of anorexia nervosa.)

C: "They look like me."

"They're my people."

"I belong to these people."

"My parents are here - no - my father is gone. Only my mother is here. She's so thin.  I feel safe here at the wall. They can't see me here. They won't come for me again if they can't see me. They won't hurt me again."

"Please don't let them hurt me again."

"Please, let me out of here. I don't want to be here."

( I direct her to the first experience in which "THEY" come for her, urging her to say words as they come.)

C: "Let me go."

TH: "Say it again, Ana. Repeat those words"  (Having the client repeat her own words helps the client go deeper into the experience so that the words and emotions of the experience will come more freely.)

C: "Let me go! Let go of me!"

"They're holding me down on a cold table. A man is holding my head and pressing me down to a table so hard my eyes are popping out."

"They're hurting me!"

TH: "Say it to him, Ana. Tell him."

C:  "You're hurting me, you're hurting me!"

(She is crying hysterically and struggling against the unseen hands clutching her forcefully.)

C: "You're hurting me!"

TH: "What physical sensation do you feel in your body now? Say the first words that come to mind."

C: "They're putting something in me. My legs are tied down and I can't move."

"They're putting something in me like a tube and they're filling me with water."

TH: "What are you feeling, Ana? Where do you feel the pain?"

C: "My stomach is filling up. It hurts, it hurts!"

TH: "Say the painful words from your stomach, Ana, what words come to you?"

C: "I'm going to die."

TH:"Say that again, Ana."

C: "I'm going to die. They're killing me. They're filling me up and killing me."

TH: "Hear the voices around you talking, Ana. What are the voices saying?"

C: "I don't know, it's another language. It's German. They're speaking German."

TH: "The knowledge of what they say is in your unconscious mind. Let the words come."

C: "They're talking about me. They don't care about me, they're talking about me like an animal;  Not even an animal, like I'm an experiment."

TH: "What are they saying, Ana?"

C: "This one has not yet started monthly periods. The uterus now contains 1800 cc of water. As we have seen before, there is an average difference of 1000 cc in the uterus before and after the onset of menstruation."

(I ask Ana to go over this scene again by asking her where her body is located.)

C: "I'm in a prison camp. It's a concentration camp. I was in a crowd of people when some guards pulled me out and brought me here. It's like a laboratory. It smells awful and they have all these awful looking instruments. they put some kind of clamp on my cervix and filled my uterus with water."

TH: "How old are you now, Ana?"

C: "I'm eleven years old. I'm just a little girl."

TH: "Ana, feel your body on the table. Are they doing anything else to you? say the first words that come to mind."

C: "One of them is a doctor, with some assistants. The doctor says, 'These Jews are very productive. They over-populate the world and fill the land with their bad blood. Do with her as you will.'  He's walking out of the room. They're going to kill me."

TH: "Ana, move forward into this experience. As these guards hurt you, give me the first part of your body that feels pain. What are you feeling?"

C: "They're filling me again. They're killing me. I'm going to die."

TH: "What's the very next thing he is doing to you, Ana? Be in your body, what do you feel?"

C: "Oh God. Oh, no, he's forcing himself inside me. I'm only a little girl. He's forcing himself inside me. It hurts. He's filling me up. He's killing me. He's hurting me."

(Ana re-experiences the physical pain associated with this multiple rape from beginning to its conclusion and discovers these guards do not kill her, "We use the bodies of the Jews as we please." After she gains a degree of emotional objectivity, she spontaneously connects back to her position against the brick wall where we found her at the beginning of the session.  She can see the starving people. She feels nausea and terror and knows if she leaves the wall it means, "they'll see me and I'll die." The first words she hears now are from her mother.)

C: "If they come again, I'll help you. I can't let them hurt you. If the guards come, I will signal you. Run to the fence and grab it, press your body to it tightly. Hold the fence, they will not touch you. It will kill you, but at least you will deny these butchers."

TH: "What are you physically doing here against the wall, Ana?"

"What words come from you or others?"

C: "I'm afraid. My back is against the wall. I'll be safe here if they don't see me. I can't let them see me."

TH: "Where is your fear, Ana? Give it words."

C: "They're coming to get me again!" She is pressing her back against the wall and can hear male voices.

(Suddenly her mother is beside her, touching her lightly with love and compassion.)

C: "Go my daughter, and remember, I love you."   (Client is quoting her mother's words.)

(Ana is sobbing and reaching her hands forward. It is this tremendously emotional experience which Ana takes with her into death and, through death, into her experiences beyond. Her hands reach quickly for the wire that forms the physical boundaries of her existence in this camp.  She knows that she can use these wires to remove the physical boundaries of her life; to free herself from further pain and torture. It is hard to separate the jolting surge of electricity from the scream coming so strongly within her, only when she releases this deeply impacted scream can she push through the experience to a point beyond physical death.)

TH: "Ana, now connect with any feelings or emotions that are unresolved."

C: "I can see myself holding onto the fences. My body is shaking and moving out of control."

TH: "Are there any physical sensations you feel? Connect with any feelings of physical pain."

C: "No, I don't feel anything. I'm not in my body now. I'm looking at it."

TH: "Are you pulled back into your body?"

C: "No, I don't feel anything drawing me back."

(Ana experiences her consciousness as it leaves her body at this moment of death. It's important she re-experience and release all the elements of physical trauma until she can see her body convulsing on the fence but feels separate from the feelings of pain and fear. Her body is peaceful and relaxed which is an appearance seen on the therapy couch with the re-experience of the consciousness leaving the physical form after a past-life death.)

TH: "Ana, based on this experience, what conclusions do you take with you after death?"

She frowns a little and says,

C: "I'll never let my mother get too close to me."

TH: "Say that again, Ana, so you can consciously recognize why you feel this statement is true."

C: "I'll never let my mother get close to me. If my mother loves me, it means I'm going to die. It's really strange I'd believe that because it really wasn't her fault."

TH: "True, but realize these are feelings you carry with you when you leave your physical body after that painful and fearful state. Mother loving you means you'll die. Say that again and release it."

C: "I'll never let my mother get too close to me."  (Client connects her distant relationship with her mother in this life with this past-life experience.)

TH: "Are there other conclusions?"

C: "If this is what happens when I'm seen, I'll never be seen again."

TH: "Say that again, Ana. Recognize what you're saying."

C: "I'll never be seen again. I don't like being singled out."

TH: "What does it mean if you're singled out."

C: "I'm going to die."

TH: "Tell me all the feelings you have about being singled out."

C: "I'll never be singled out because if I do I'll die."

TH: "And are there other conclusions as you leave your body?"

C: "Something about a feeling of fullness. I can never feel full again."

TH: "Expand that thought, Ana. What does a feeling of fullness mean to you?"

C: "I was afraid they were killing me. I could feel it.  I was so full I wanted to die."

TH: "Okay, tell me the complete experience about fullness."

C: "I'll never have that feeling again. I will never, ever have that feeling again."

TH: "Why not? Say the words that will release that feeling."

C:  "I will never, never have that feeling of fullness again because it will kill me. I will die." (Anna is then asked if this belief serves her in this life now.)

TH:"Here with me in my office, you have survived these experiences. You have survived your mother loving you, your being singled out, and the feeling of fullness. Realize your survival here in the present time."  (It is o.k. to feel full.  It's o.k. to have a full sensation from eating.  It's o.k. to eat.)

Ana opens her eyes and looks at me with a sense of amazement. She can connect this past life experience with her current life problems, which indicates we have worked an experience causing her current issues. ( She will realize the misleading survival-based logic and change her belief to: "Feeling full no longer equals death.")  As a result of committing to complete the Past Life Therapy process, Anna is maintaining a healthy weight, married, and she has children. 

Short Description: Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is a behavioral disorder where the sufferer is overly concerned about and preoccupied by an imagined or perceived defect in their physical appearance. This preoccupation disrupts normal functioning and can cause a sufferer to endanger their physical well being.

Causes: BDD is free will that is driven by karma: they voluntarily do to themselves in this life what they have done to others (usually many others) directly or indirectly (by ordering others) in past lives. Here is how this can manifest:

* Martyr Karma: In medieval times, those in religious orders expressed devoted to Christ through an ascetic lifestyle that included starvation ("fasting"), self-inflicted torture ("mortification of the flesh"), and sensory deprivation ("self-denial"). These behaviors were applauded and those "successful" in taming their flesh to death were revered as holy martyrs. Those who martyred themselves or others get BDD for karmic balancing of this intentional, institutionalized body abuse.

* Maiming Karma: Plastic surgery is not new: it was practiced in the past before technology made it safe. Those who butchered others with surgery sow what they reap by being obsessed with what they perceive as improving their appearance. Their BDD will cause them to end up maiming themselves. Michael Jackson is the most famous example: whittling down his nose until he became a nasal cripple. Just as the women who tried to look like the "Cat Woman" or the "Barbie Doll" developed health problems from their multiple surgeries.

* Monk Karma: Monks who abused their bodies in quest of improving their souls contract BDD to gain a greater appreciation of their bodies. In the West, these include flagellant monks who constantly whipped and-or starved themselves. In the East, these include Marathon Monks who literally ran themselves into the ground.

* Criticism Karma: Those who constantly criticized others - in past lives - for defects in their appearance. Their BDD balances this karma by having them obsess about the same physical defect they reincarnated with. For they need to understand - through personal experience - the same criticism to resolve this past life karma.

Case History: A woman was the middle child in a family where the father was an acclaimed scholar and the mother was a respected healer. Her elder brothers were highly intelligent and were on their way to promising careers while her younger sister attracted attention with her wit and her beauty. The woman felt left out in her family of "shining stars" and wondered "what was wrong with her" because she felt herself to be neither brilliant nor beautiful.

When someone casually remarked on her attractive figure, she became determined to improve upon it. At first, she received praise - for she had been chubby - but the praise turned to worry as the pounds - and the life - melted away from her. So she "hid" her problem under mounds of clothes but soon the loss of weight in her face revealed her problem. By then, it was too late. Her heart gave out under the strain of years of starvation and she died… leaving a grief stricken family behind her.

psychology regarding today's youth

I was reading Carl Pickhardt's blog today, and it got me thinking.

1. I know this is only a generalization on teenagers, but to how many people does it actually apply to?
2. The three freedoms ("for the freedom to focus on SELF, for the freedom to have FUN, and for the freedom to gratify wants NOW.") aren't necessarily a priority for me...is that good raising on my parent's side, or a mental deficiency on mine?
3. What is with all of the CAPITAL LETTERS? No offense, Dr. Pickhardt, but please choose less things to emphasize.
4. This is directed to mid-adolescence--ages 13 to 15. Does it apply to 16-20 year olds as well?
5. I couldn't help but feel a bit...objectified, especially considering most of these things said aren't true or don't pertain to me.

A brief summary for those who don't follow links: teenagers of this age range (13-15) typically want more freedom and their priorities are screwed up. It's the parent's responsibility to persuade their children to make more responsible priority lists. However, if the teen is on drugs or has a persuasive peer group, this is hard because they have little to no free will ("What they don't trust is how group pressure can override individual judgment and how temptations for trouble and dangerous exposures lurk in the larger world outside of family.") and if you parents ever approach them to talk, they will not want to speak with you. ("And be prepared for the teenager's use of protective belligerence at this prickly age when there is something important you want to discuss.")

My initial response (after the capital letters thing): I can't believe he wrote a book on all this. Do parents really believe this stuff? It feels almost as if this doctor has based his findings on stereotypes. There is not one mention of previous patients or contacts who proved this piece right or wrong. He even wrote a mini-manual for parents of teenagers who fit this wild child description. ("FIVE PILLARS OF PARENTAL AUTHORITY support this structure...")

Also, rereading this, I noticed the hypothetical teenager switched from a 'he' to a 'she' around the time talk about responsibilities gives way to talk about irresponsibility and drugs. Just an observation. It may not mean anything.


How important is freedom to kids my age? I don't go to parties or really step out of the house at all. I focus less on 'now' because my schedule is filled with preparing for 'later'. I find it hard to believe I'm the only one with this mindset.

March madness on Zinch!

What an insane scholarship!

To quote Brad Hagen: "Zinch March Madnezz was brought about for a couple reasons. Most importantly our scholarship committee felt too many people deserved the scholarship, it’s hard to pick just one when so many were qualified. So, we picked semi-finalists- then we turned it over to the public and let y’all decide who won in an American Idol style voting. All semi-finalists were students that we felt deserved the scholarship."

Needless to say, I'm going for it. 20K is a lot of money and--depending on the college I end up going to--can pay for more than half of my first year's tuition. Wish me luck!

new colleges

"There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity."--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Well, I agree. Stupidity is bad enough, mainly only when the person refuses to try to learn something. But aggressive stupidity...

Anyway, I've updated the colleges I want to go to. A while back, I had two; now, the list is as follows:

• Chatham U ; Pittsburgh, PA
• Lawrence U; Appleton, WI
• University of Farmington, Maine
• Chapman U; Orange, CA (a city named orange? Bonus points!)
• Maharishi university of management; Fairfield; IA

and there are five more I'm still contemplating.

Books, books, and more books.

I just checked on my list of books that I want to read and realized the number goes over 200. Two hundred books that I want to read, not including the ones I happen to pass by and deem interesting at the library. If I get ten books at the library, and only three books on my 'want to read' list, then I better get cracking. I still haven't found Sarah Ryan's Empress of the world, but I have managed to read Orwell's 1984.
The point of this ranting is I can read nonstop for the rest of my days and never be satisfied. My list of books to read grows by the day. And to think when I was five I had been determined to read every book ever written. It makes me laugh now, but then I was totally set on doing it. Unfortunately, the grade school library had the books divided by difficulty; If I was at a blue dot level, I was under no circumstances allowed to read a green dot book. The adults never did understand my obsession with reading children's books.